“The future is here,” the email announced. Hilda Jaffe, then 88, was letting her children know she planned to sell the family home in Verona, New Jersey. She’d decided to begin life anew — on her own — in a one-bedroom apartment in Hell’s Kitchen in Manhattan.
Fourteen years later, Jaffe, now 102, still lives alone — just a few blocks away from the frenetic flashing lights and crowds that course through Times Square.
Hilda Jaffe, 102, does an acrostic word puzzle in her apartment on the 28th floor of a building in the heart of New York City.Sheenjoys doing various puzzles, and reading books and magazines. (Jackie Molloy for KFF Health News)
She’s the rarest of seniors: a centenarian who is sharp as a tack, who carries grocery bags in each hand when she walks back from her local market, and who takes city buses to see her physicians or attend a matinee at the Metropolitan Opera.
Jaffe cleans her own house, does her own laundry, manages her own finances, and stays in touch with a far-flung network of family and friends via email, WhatsApp, and Zoom. Her son, Richard Jaffe, 78, lives in San Jose, California. Her daughter, Barbara Vendriger, 75, lives in Tel Aviv.
She’s an extraordinary example of an older adult living by herself and thriving.
I’ve spoken with dozens of seniors this past year for a series of columns on older Americans living alone. Many struggle with health issues. Many are isolated and vulnerable. But a noteworthy slice of this growing group of seniors maintain a high degree of well-being.
What might account for this, particularly among people in the farthest reaches of old age?
Sofiya Milman is director of Human Longevity Studies at the Institute for Aging Research at Albert Einstein College of Medicine. She studies people known as “superagers” —95 and older. “As a group, they have a very positive outlook on life” and are notably resilient, like Jaffe, she told me.
Qualities associated with resilience in older adults include optimism and hopefulness, an ability to adapt to changing circumstances, meaningful relationships, community connections, and physical activity, according to a growing body of research on this topic.
Jaffe has those qualities in spades, along with a “can-do” attitude.
“I never expected to be 102. I’m as surprised as everybody else that I am here,” she said recently over lunch at a Chinese restaurant just steps from her 30-story apartment building.
Jaffe’s perspective on her longevity is unsentimental. She credits her genetic heritage, luck, and her commitment to “keep moving,” in that order. “You don’t work toward it: It happens. Every day, you get up and you’re a day older,” she said.
This matter-of-fact stance is characteristic of Jaffe’s approach to life. Asked to describe herself, she quickly responded “pragmatic.” That means having a clear-eyed view of what she can and can’t do and making adjustments as necessary.
Living alone suits her, she added, because she likes being independent and doing things her way. “If a problem comes up, I work it out,” Jaffe said.
In this, she’s like other older adults who have come to terms with their “I’m on my own” status and, for the most part, are doing quite well.
Still, Jaffe is unusual, to say the least. There are only 101,000 centenarians in the U.S., according to the most recent Census Bureau data. Of this small group, 15% live independently or operate independently while living with someone, according to Thomas Perls, the founder and director of the New England Centenarian Study, the largest study of centenarians in the world. (Jaffe is one of 2,500 centenarians participating in the study.)
About 20% of centenarians are, like Jaffe, free of physical or cognitive impairments, Perls said. An additional 15% have no age-related illnesses such as arthritis or heart disease.
Practically, that means Jaffe doesn’t know anybody like her. Nor do her physicians. “My primary care doctor says, ‘You’re the only centenarian who walks in without an assistant or a cane. You’re off the charts,’” Jaffe said, when I asked about her health.
She has only a few medical conditions — reflux, an occasional irregular heartbeat, osteoporosis, a touch of sciatica, a lung nodule that appeared and then disappeared. She monitors those conditions vigilantly, following her doctors’ advice to the letter.
Every day, Jaffe tries to walk 3,000 steps — outside if the weather is good or inside, making laps in her hallway, if the weather is bad. Her diet is simple: bread, cheese, and decaffeinated coffee for breakfast; a sandwich or eggs for lunch; often chicken and a vegetable or restaurant leftovers for dinner. She never smoked, doesn’t drink alcohol, and sleeps an average of eight hours each night.
Even more important, Jaffe remains engaged with other people. She has subscriptions to the Metropolitan Opera, the New York Philharmonic, and a chamber music series. She participates in online events and regularly sees new exhibits at four of New York’s premier museums, where she has memberships. She’s in regular contact with family members and friends.
Jaffe also belongs to a book club at her synagogue on Manhattan’s Upper West Side and serves on the synagogue’s adult education committee. For more than a decade, she’s volunteered several times a week as a docent at the New York Public Library’s main branch on Fifth Avenue.
“Loneliness, it’s not an issue,” she said. “I have enough to do within my capability.”
On a recent Tuesday afternoon, I followed Jaffe as she led visitors from Mexico, England, Pittsburgh, and New Jersey through the library’s “Treasures” exhibit. She was a wealth of information about extraordinary objects such as a Gutenberg Bible from 1455 (one of the first books printed in Europe using movable type), Charles Dickens’ writing desk, and an enormous folio of John James Audubon’s “The Birds of America.” She spoke without notes, articulately.
When I asked about the future, Jaffe said she doesn’t worry about what comes next. She just lives day to day.
That change in perspective is common in later life. “Focusing on the present and experiencing the here and now becomes more important to older adults,” said Laura Carstensen, founding director of Stanford University’s Center on Longevity, who has studied emotional changes that accompany aging for decades. “As does savoring positive things in their lives.”
Carstensen’s research group was the first to show that older adults were more resilient emotionally during the covid-19 pandemic than young or middle-aged adults. “Older people are better able to cope with difficulties,” she said. In part, this is because of skills and perspective gained over the course of a lifetime. And, in part, it’s because “when we see our future as shorter, it feels more manageable.”
Jaffe certainly understands the value of facing forward and letting go of the past. Losing her husband, Gerald Jaffe, in 2005 after 63 years of marriage was hard, she admitted, but relinquishing her life and most of her belongings in New Jersey five years later was easy.
“It was enough. We had done what we had wanted to do there. I was 88 at that point and so many people were gone. The world had changed,” she told me. “I didn’t feel a sense of loss.”
“It was so exciting for me, being in New York,” she continued. “Every day you could do something — or nothing. This location couldn’t be better. The building is safe and well maintained, with lots of staff. Everything is here, close by: a market, the pharmacy, restaurants, buses. In a house in New Jersey, I would be isolated. Here, I look out the window and I see people.”
As for the future, who knows what that will hold? “My joke is I’m going to be done in by a bicycle delivery person cutting through the pedestrian crosswalk,” Jaffe said. Until that or something else happens, “I live in a state of surprise. Every day is a new day. I don’t take it for granted at all.”
We’re eager to hear from readers about questions you’d like answered, problems you’ve been having with your care, and advice you need in dealing with the health care system. Visit kffhealthnews.org/columnists to submit your requests or tips.
KFF Health News is a national newsroom that produces in-depth journalism about health issues and is one of the core operating programs at KFF—an independent source of health policy research, polling, and journalism. Learn more about KFF.
Resources are expanding for older adults on their own
Jeff Kromrey, 69, will sit down with his daughter the next time she visits and show her how to access his online accounts if he has an unexpected health crisis.
Gayle Williams-Brett, 69, plans to tackle a project she’s been putting off for months: organizing all her financial information.
Michael Davis, 71, is going to draft a living will and ask a close friend to be his health care surrogate and executor of his estate.
These seniors have been inspired to take these and other actions by an innovative course for such “solo agers”: Aging Alone Together, offered by Dorot, a social services agency in New York City.
Most of them live alone, without a spouse, a partner, or adult children to help them manage as they grow older.
Until a few years ago, few resources were available for this growing slice of the older population.
Now, there are several Facebook groups for solo agers, as well as in-person groups springing up around the country, conferences and webinars, a national clearinghouse of resources, and an expanding array of books on the topic.
All address these seniors’ need to connect with other people, prevent isolation, and prepare for a future when they might become less robust, encounter more health issues, and need more assistance.
“Older adults who cannot rely on family members need to be very intentional about creating support systems and putting other plans in place,” said Ailene Gerhardt, a patient advocate in Boston who created the Navigating Solo Network three years ago.
In a survey published last year, AARP — which broadens the definition of older Americans to people 50 and older — examined those who live alone and don’t have living children. Ten percent of those 50 or older meet this definition, AARP estimates. An additional 11% have at least one living child but are estranged from them. And 13% have children who they believe can’t or won’t help them manage their finances and health care.
Preparing in isolation for the future can be daunting. “If solo agers don’t feel they have people to talk to as they craft their aging plan, they often will skip the whole process,” said Gerhardt, who endorses a group planning model for these seniors.
That’s the format Dorot has adopted for Aging Alone Together, which is available nationally online free of charge and in person in New York City. More than 1,000 people have participated in the program since it launched in 2021. Dorot is working with partners around the country to expand its reach.
The program consists of six 90-minute, interactive weekly sessions that focus on these seniors’ key concerns: building communities of support, figuring out where to live, completing advance care directives such as living wills, and getting financial and legal affairs in order.
One goal is to help participants identify their priorities and overcome the fear and hesitation that so many older adults feel when peering into their uncertain futures, said Claire Nisen, a Dorot staffer who runs the program. Another is to offer practical tools, advice, and resources that can spur people to action.
Yet another is to foster a sense of community that promotes a “can do” attitude. As Nisen said repeatedly when I took the course in September and October, “Solo aging doesn’t mean aging alone.”
That message resonated deeply with Williams-Brett, who lives with her severely disabled mother, 97, in a two-story brownstone in Brooklyn. Williams-Brett, who is divorced and never had children, expects to be on her own as she grows older. Her mother had a devastating stroke three years ago, and since then Williams-Brett has been her full-time caregiver.
Overwhelmed by everything on her to-do list — declutter the house, make home repairs, straighten out her finances, safeguard her mother’s health — Williams-Brett told me she’d been struggling with shame and fear. “All the time, I feel I’m not doing what I should be well enough,” she said.
Hearing other seniors voice similar concerns during Aging Alone Together sessions, Williams-Brett realized she didn’t judge them as she was judging herself. “I thought, we all have issues we’re dealing with,” she said. “You don’t have anything to feel ashamed of.”
Kromrey, who lives alone in Tampa, Florida, knows he’s fortunate to be healthy, financially stable, and very close with his adult daughter, who will be his health care and legal decision-maker should he become incapacitated. Kromrey, widowed nine years ago, also has three sons — two in South Carolina and one in West Palm Beach, Florida.
While participating in Aging Alone Together, Kromrey realized he had assumed he’d never have a health crisis such as a stroke or heart attack — a common form of denial.
His daughter and her husband planned to travel from North Carolina to join Kromrey over Thanksgiving. During that visit, Kromrey said, he would give her passwords to his computer and online accounts, explain his system for keeping track of bills, and show her where other important files are.
“That way, she’ll just be able to take right over if something unexpected occurs,” he said.
Davis is an artist who never married, doesn’t have siblings and lives alone in Manhattan. In a phone conversation, he said his most pressing concern is “finding something to do that’s worthwhile” now that arthritis has made it difficult for him to paint.
In some ways, Davis is prepared for the future. He has a long-term care insurance policy that will pay for help in the home and a rent-regulated apartment in a building with an elevator. But he recognizes that he’s become too isolated as his artistic activities have waned.
“There are days that go by when I don’t say a word to anyone,” Davis acknowledged. “I have my friends, but they have their own lives, with their children and grandchildren. I’m turning to Dorot for more social contact. And Aging Alone Together has helped me focus on the here and now.”
A national clearinghouse of resources for solo agers and information about solo-ager groups in the United States is available at the Navigating Solo website.
The National Council on Aging has assembled a guide to resources and support for older adults living alone.
Books about planning for solo aging include “Essential Retirement Planning for Solo Agers,” “Solo and Smart,” “Who Will Take Care of Me When I’m Old?” and “The Complete Eldercare Planner.”
We’re eager to hear from readers about questions you’d like answered, problems you’ve been having with your care, and advice you need in dealing with the health care system. Visit kffhealthnews.org/columnists to submit your requests or tips.
KFF Health News is a national newsroom that produces in-depth journalism about health issues and is one of the core operating programs at KFF—an independent source of health policy research, polling, and journalism. Learn more about KFF.
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A Centenarian thrives living alone, active and engaged
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Stories by Judith Graham / KFF
“The future is here,” the email announced. Hilda Jaffe, then 88, was letting her children know she planned to sell the family home in Verona, New Jersey. She’d decided to begin life anew — on her own — in a one-bedroom apartment in Hell’s Kitchen in Manhattan.
Fourteen years later, Jaffe, now 102, still lives alone — just a few blocks away from the frenetic flashing lights and crowds that course through Times Square.
She’s the rarest of seniors: a centenarian who is sharp as a tack, who carries grocery bags in each hand when she walks back from her local market, and who takes city buses to see her physicians or attend a matinee at the Metropolitan Opera.
Jaffe cleans her own house, does her own laundry, manages her own finances, and stays in touch with a far-flung network of family and friends via email, WhatsApp, and Zoom. Her son, Richard Jaffe, 78, lives in San Jose, California. Her daughter, Barbara Vendriger, 75, lives in Tel Aviv.
She’s an extraordinary example of an older adult living by herself and thriving.
I’ve spoken with dozens of seniors this past year for a series of columns on older Americans living alone. Many struggle with health issues. Many are isolated and vulnerable. But a noteworthy slice of this growing group of seniors maintain a high degree of well-being.
What might account for this, particularly among people in the farthest reaches of old age?
Sofiya Milman is director of Human Longevity Studies at the Institute for Aging Research at Albert Einstein College of Medicine. She studies people known as “superagers” —95 and older. “As a group, they have a very positive outlook on life” and are notably resilient, like Jaffe, she told me.
Qualities associated with resilience in older adults include optimism and hopefulness, an ability to adapt to changing circumstances, meaningful relationships, community connections, and physical activity, according to a growing body of research on this topic.
Jaffe has those qualities in spades, along with a “can-do” attitude.
“I never expected to be 102. I’m as surprised as everybody else that I am here,” she said recently over lunch at a Chinese restaurant just steps from her 30-story apartment building.
Jaffe’s perspective on her longevity is unsentimental. She credits her genetic heritage, luck, and her commitment to “keep moving,” in that order. “You don’t work toward it: It happens. Every day, you get up and you’re a day older,” she said.
This matter-of-fact stance is characteristic of Jaffe’s approach to life. Asked to describe herself, she quickly responded “pragmatic.” That means having a clear-eyed view of what she can and can’t do and making adjustments as necessary.
Living alone suits her, she added, because she likes being independent and doing things her way. “If a problem comes up, I work it out,” Jaffe said.
In this, she’s like other older adults who have come to terms with their “I’m on my own” status and, for the most part, are doing quite well.
Still, Jaffe is unusual, to say the least. There are only 101,000 centenarians in the U.S., according to the most recent Census Bureau data. Of this small group, 15% live independently or operate independently while living with someone, according to Thomas Perls, the founder and director of the New England Centenarian Study, the largest study of centenarians in the world. (Jaffe is one of 2,500 centenarians participating in the study.)
About 20% of centenarians are, like Jaffe, free of physical or cognitive impairments, Perls said. An additional 15% have no age-related illnesses such as arthritis or heart disease.
Practically, that means Jaffe doesn’t know anybody like her. Nor do her physicians. “My primary care doctor says, ‘You’re the only centenarian who walks in without an assistant or a cane. You’re off the charts,’” Jaffe said, when I asked about her health.
She has only a few medical conditions — reflux, an occasional irregular heartbeat, osteoporosis, a touch of sciatica, a lung nodule that appeared and then disappeared. She monitors those conditions vigilantly, following her doctors’ advice to the letter.
Every day, Jaffe tries to walk 3,000 steps — outside if the weather is good or inside, making laps in her hallway, if the weather is bad. Her diet is simple: bread, cheese, and decaffeinated coffee for breakfast; a sandwich or eggs for lunch; often chicken and a vegetable or restaurant leftovers for dinner. She never smoked, doesn’t drink alcohol, and sleeps an average of eight hours each night.
Even more important, Jaffe remains engaged with other people. She has subscriptions to the Metropolitan Opera, the New York Philharmonic, and a chamber music series. She participates in online events and regularly sees new exhibits at four of New York’s premier museums, where she has memberships. She’s in regular contact with family members and friends.
Jaffe also belongs to a book club at her synagogue on Manhattan’s Upper West Side and serves on the synagogue’s adult education committee. For more than a decade, she’s volunteered several times a week as a docent at the New York Public Library’s main branch on Fifth Avenue.
“Loneliness, it’s not an issue,” she said. “I have enough to do within my capability.”
On a recent Tuesday afternoon, I followed Jaffe as she led visitors from Mexico, England, Pittsburgh, and New Jersey through the library’s “Treasures” exhibit. She was a wealth of information about extraordinary objects such as a Gutenberg Bible from 1455 (one of the first books printed in Europe using movable type), Charles Dickens’ writing desk, and an enormous folio of John James Audubon’s “The Birds of America.” She spoke without notes, articulately.
When I asked about the future, Jaffe said she doesn’t worry about what comes next. She just lives day to day.
That change in perspective is common in later life. “Focusing on the present and experiencing the here and now becomes more important to older adults,” said Laura Carstensen, founding director of Stanford University’s Center on Longevity, who has studied emotional changes that accompany aging for decades. “As does savoring positive things in their lives.”
Carstensen’s research group was the first to show that older adults were more resilient emotionally during the covid-19 pandemic than young or middle-aged adults. “Older people are better able to cope with difficulties,” she said. In part, this is because of skills and perspective gained over the course of a lifetime. And, in part, it’s because “when we see our future as shorter, it feels more manageable.”
Jaffe certainly understands the value of facing forward and letting go of the past. Losing her husband, Gerald Jaffe, in 2005 after 63 years of marriage was hard, she admitted, but relinquishing her life and most of her belongings in New Jersey five years later was easy.
“It was enough. We had done what we had wanted to do there. I was 88 at that point and so many people were gone. The world had changed,” she told me. “I didn’t feel a sense of loss.”
“It was so exciting for me, being in New York,” she continued. “Every day you could do something — or nothing. This location couldn’t be better. The building is safe and well maintained, with lots of staff. Everything is here, close by: a market, the pharmacy, restaurants, buses. In a house in New Jersey, I would be isolated. Here, I look out the window and I see people.”
As for the future, who knows what that will hold? “My joke is I’m going to be done in by a bicycle delivery person cutting through the pedestrian crosswalk,” Jaffe said. Until that or something else happens, “I live in a state of surprise. Every day is a new day. I don’t take it for granted at all.”
We’re eager to hear from readers about questions you’d like answered, problems you’ve been having with your care, and advice you need in dealing with the health care system. Visit kffhealthnews.org/columnists to submit your requests or tips.
KFF Health News is a national newsroom that produces in-depth journalism about health issues and is one of the core operating programs at KFF—an independent source of health policy research, polling, and journalism. Learn more about KFF.
Resources are expanding for older adults on their own
Jeff Kromrey, 69, will sit down with his daughter the next time she visits and show her how to access his online accounts if he has an unexpected health crisis.
Gayle Williams-Brett, 69, plans to tackle a project she’s been putting off for months: organizing all her financial information.
Michael Davis, 71, is going to draft a living will and ask a close friend to be his health care surrogate and executor of his estate.
These seniors have been inspired to take these and other actions by an innovative course for such “solo agers”: Aging Alone Together, offered by Dorot, a social services agency in New York City.
Most of them live alone, without a spouse, a partner, or adult children to help them manage as they grow older.
Until a few years ago, few resources were available for this growing slice of the older population.
Now, there are several Facebook groups for solo agers, as well as in-person groups springing up around the country, conferences and webinars, a national clearinghouse of resources, and an expanding array of books on the topic.
All address these seniors’ need to connect with other people, prevent isolation, and prepare for a future when they might become less robust, encounter more health issues, and need more assistance.
“Older adults who cannot rely on family members need to be very intentional about creating support systems and putting other plans in place,” said Ailene Gerhardt, a patient advocate in Boston who created the Navigating Solo Network three years ago.
In a survey published last year, AARP — which broadens the definition of older Americans to people 50 and older — examined those who live alone and don’t have living children. Ten percent of those 50 or older meet this definition, AARP estimates. An additional 11% have at least one living child but are estranged from them. And 13% have children who they believe can’t or won’t help them manage their finances and health care.
Preparing in isolation for the future can be daunting. “If solo agers don’t feel they have people to talk to as they craft their aging plan, they often will skip the whole process,” said Gerhardt, who endorses a group planning model for these seniors.
That’s the format Dorot has adopted for Aging Alone Together, which is available nationally online free of charge and in person in New York City. More than 1,000 people have participated in the program since it launched in 2021. Dorot is working with partners around the country to expand its reach.
The program consists of six 90-minute, interactive weekly sessions that focus on these seniors’ key concerns: building communities of support, figuring out where to live, completing advance care directives such as living wills, and getting financial and legal affairs in order.
One goal is to help participants identify their priorities and overcome the fear and hesitation that so many older adults feel when peering into their uncertain futures, said Claire Nisen, a Dorot staffer who runs the program. Another is to offer practical tools, advice, and resources that can spur people to action.
Yet another is to foster a sense of community that promotes a “can do” attitude. As Nisen said repeatedly when I took the course in September and October, “Solo aging doesn’t mean aging alone.”
That message resonated deeply with Williams-Brett, who lives with her severely disabled mother, 97, in a two-story brownstone in Brooklyn. Williams-Brett, who is divorced and never had children, expects to be on her own as she grows older. Her mother had a devastating stroke three years ago, and since then Williams-Brett has been her full-time caregiver.
Overwhelmed by everything on her to-do list — declutter the house, make home repairs, straighten out her finances, safeguard her mother’s health — Williams-Brett told me she’d been struggling with shame and fear. “All the time, I feel I’m not doing what I should be well enough,” she said.
Hearing other seniors voice similar concerns during Aging Alone Together sessions, Williams-Brett realized she didn’t judge them as she was judging herself. “I thought, we all have issues we’re dealing with,” she said. “You don’t have anything to feel ashamed of.”
Kromrey, who lives alone in Tampa, Florida, knows he’s fortunate to be healthy, financially stable, and very close with his adult daughter, who will be his health care and legal decision-maker should he become incapacitated. Kromrey, widowed nine years ago, also has three sons — two in South Carolina and one in West Palm Beach, Florida.
While participating in Aging Alone Together, Kromrey realized he had assumed he’d never have a health crisis such as a stroke or heart attack — a common form of denial.
His daughter and her husband planned to travel from North Carolina to join Kromrey over Thanksgiving. During that visit, Kromrey said, he would give her passwords to his computer and online accounts, explain his system for keeping track of bills, and show her where other important files are.
“That way, she’ll just be able to take right over if something unexpected occurs,” he said.
Davis is an artist who never married, doesn’t have siblings and lives alone in Manhattan. In a phone conversation, he said his most pressing concern is “finding something to do that’s worthwhile” now that arthritis has made it difficult for him to paint.
In some ways, Davis is prepared for the future. He has a long-term care insurance policy that will pay for help in the home and a rent-regulated apartment in a building with an elevator. But he recognizes that he’s become too isolated as his artistic activities have waned.
“There are days that go by when I don’t say a word to anyone,” Davis acknowledged. “I have my friends, but they have their own lives, with their children and grandchildren. I’m turning to Dorot for more social contact. And Aging Alone Together has helped me focus on the here and now.”
For more information about Aging Alone Together, email agingalonetogether@dorotusa.org or visit the program’s website.
A national clearinghouse of resources for solo agers and information about solo-ager groups in the United States is available at the Navigating Solo website.
The National Council on Aging has assembled a guide to resources and support for older adults living alone.
Facebook groups for solo agers include Elder Orphans (Aging Alone), Elder Orphans, NYC Solo Agers, and Solo Aging Without Personal Representative. Another online community is the Solo Ager/Aging Together.
Books about planning for solo aging include “Essential Retirement Planning for Solo Agers,” “Solo and Smart,” “Who Will Take Care of Me When I’m Old?” and “The Complete Eldercare Planner.”
Several videos about planning for solo aging can be found on YouTube, including this helpful video from CJE SeniorLife.
We’re eager to hear from readers about questions you’d like answered, problems you’ve been having with your care, and advice you need in dealing with the health care system. Visit kffhealthnews.org/columnists to submit your requests or tips.
KFF Health News is a national newsroom that produces in-depth journalism about health issues and is one of the core operating programs at KFF—an independent source of health policy research, polling, and journalism. Learn more about KFF.